My Story and Journey to Faith

Note from the Author: This narrative, or Testimony, has been completely re-written from its original published form. This was one of the first things I ever wrote on my Blog and as an inexperienced blogger I was so eager to share my story, that I included some unnecessary details and wrote it in such a way that some of the parties mentioned took some considerable offence when they read it years later. That was never my intention and I deeply regret the insensitive way I presented certain facts. I have endeavoured to re-write this taking out certain details that were not necessary to the narrative. That being said there are certain facts that are necessary to share, are obviously public knowledge, but may still make uncomfortable reading for some involved. It is never comfortable for us to read about the impact our past decisions and choices have had on others. I reiterate that in sharing my story the intention is, that those who have faced similar experiences may find hope and be encouraged, not to point a finger. This is what, in my experience, has happened when I have shared what is written below and when it has been heard by those of similar experience. 

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So Why/How did I come to a point of calling myself a Christian?

I guess the easiest way to answer that question is to give some background to me. Sorry this is quite long but stick with it!

Early Years

I grew up in a non church going family, apart from the annual trips to my local C of E church at Christmas and Easter. I guess I always believed in God as a child. I had been told He existed and knew some of the story of Jesus through school nativity and RE lessons etc... My early pre-teen childhood was a pretty standard Middle Class upbringing. I was educated in the private school system with very little negative aspects to my school or home life. Up to the age of twelve I would decribe my childhood as a 'normal' (whatever that is), for the most part happyish experience. 

Then one Friday evening my Dad took me for a drive and told me he was moving out to live with another woman. This was obviously initially a huge and very devastating shock to me and he moved out that evening. As time went by however, I got used to him not being around and for several months I would visit him every Saturday.

Teenage Years - The Dive into Depression

Eventually I left my primary school and started at an all boys public school at age 13. This meant being at school on Saturday so I stopped seeing my dad so regularly.  The main contact being our weekly phone calls.

During my first year at public school the bullying started. This started with mainly name calling and general nastiness. Constant and unrelenting verbal digs which started to get very wearing over time and made my life utterly miserable. This from my year group as well as people from school years above. The second year this eased a little but this was just the calm before the storm. During my 'O' level year the bullying intensified with three people largely responsible and one in particular. He took it upon himself to make my life hell. In class, in the dayroom, every where. Costantly being told 'I was ugly', 'no one would ever love me', 'I'd never get anywhere' and such like. Being pushed and shoved, stalked almost and wherever I went it was relentless.

Eventually I used to just pack my bag full of books for the whole mornings class and then run back at lunchtime, missing lunch, to get in to the dayroom and out before everyone came back. My study books were defaced repeatedly and no one did anything to stop it. I felt utterly alone, isolated and helpless as none of the teachers seemed to care or notice. Only one person stood by me during this time and didn't get involved in it all. My thanks always to you Mr P.

One incident sticks in my mind so clearly. I was in the 5th form dayroom and trying to ignore the comments when the main antagonist picked up a chair and started poking me with it in the back. I stood with my back to him for a while gritting my teeth getting more and more angry. Suddenly I turned round and ripped the chair from him and raised it with every intention of slamming it through his skull. Something in that split second stopped me and I put it down and walked out. I knew if I had let go of the rage I would have killed him. The anger was so strong within I would not have stopped beating him with it. I must never let it out!

Thankfully I am not sure I paticularly internalised the negative things being spoken over me, in believing the lies, but intead it just fuelled the intense anger within me. Instead of feeling the hurt and pain of parental Divorce and non stop bullying Anger served to protect me from those deep rooted feelings. I would escape into a fantasy world where I was the hero and severe justice would be metered out at these people. To age me I was into Rambo, Dirty Harry and Miami Vice to name a few. 

As I am sure it is obvious that old adage 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' is total and utter nonsense. At least physical bullying is obvious, scars on the outside so to speak and can be dealt with. The scars left by verbal abuse are all internal and no one can see them.

I survived my 5th form year and got average 'O' level results.

Over this period my relationship with my Dad and his partner deteriorated over a particular incident to the point of me refusing to speak to him. My very angry, deeply hurt and very proud adolescent self seized an opportunity to hit back. To my Dad's credit he did persist in ringing when I persisted in refusing to talk to him.

Then during that late summer of 87 I started to develop severe acne on my back and face. I am not talking about teenage spots I am talking very severe chronic acne. With swollen back and face and weeping sores. I would wake up stuck to my pillow. Sitting on chairs was painful when I sat back etc... Fortunately 2 of the main 3 people who bullied me left and the other person grew up a little as there were girls in our 6th form at the time. However that fact of girls made me feel all the worse and I walked everywhere looking down, avoiding the gaze of anyone. I felt ugly and hated the fact children stared and made comments to their parents out loud when I was out in public. After seeing a skin specialist I was put on 6 tablets a day of a drug called Roaccutane, to deal with the acne. They made me tired and dried my skin out. They did eventually bring down the swelling and dried up the condition after 6 months of taking them. Leaving my skin red for a long time and scarred for life!

Also, over the summer of 87, a friend who I had known since I was 2 came back from Ireland and along with the aforementioned Mr P. and another good friend we got into playing music. Saturday nights were jam sessions, drinking and occasional dabbles in other things. I got drunk to numb the pain and not think about things for a while. There was no question that I was depressed. My good friend Mr B has said since that I was horrible to be with over that period, as anyone who has known a person in depression will know. But I thank God to this day they stuck by me and accepted me anyway! Thanks guys!

When God comes Calling!

During some of the aforementioned rough times I had started having the occasional chat to the sister of my 3rd friend Mr M (are you keeping up? ). She had become a Christian at university and she showed me immense kindness. I just felt she cared a lot.

So by this time this leads us into the New Year of 88/89. My three friends and I were invited to a New Years eve party of some people who were friends of the person who led my mate's sister to God. I didn't know what to expect at this party. It was full of Christians who were very friendly etc and I spotted a person I knew from school. Someone who had always been friendly to me and not got involved with the bullying! Whilst there I also noticed a particular girl a few times. I didn't speak to her but chatted to a few folks who were nice and seemed to just care, so different to the type of people I was used to seeing at school. I found out a lot of them went to a Christian youth group called Crusaders and some of them to a church just up the road from my house.

A couple of weeks later I plucked up the courage to visit this church one Sunday evening and walked in on a Baptismal service. Several members of the youth group were getting baptised. I had never heard young people talking about God or Jesus or about being able to have a relationship with Him. It was a bit freaky I have to say, especially as this was full immersion baptism and not something I had ever witnessed. I didn't like it when the pastor said during his sermon that people need Jesus rather than leaning on other things. One of which being music which was a big factor in my life. I didn't really understand what he meant but it annoyed me enough to tell him at the end. At the end I also noticed the girl I had seen at the party. I, out of character for me, went and chatted to her. She was the same age as me and doing A levels like me. As we left I for some reason noticed what car she was driving and that was that. Though having got her name at the time I looked it up in the phone book as you do (No I am not a mad stalker! ).

The week after, my Granddad died and after the funeral I was out riding around on my motorbike as I used to do and found myself in the general area of this girl's road, suddenly I recognised the car the girl had been driving parked outside a house. I know again this sounds horribly like I was stalking her but out of the blue I went and knocked on the door. She was there and invited me in for a cup of tea. I started telling her about my life and woes and she listened intently and when I left she gave me a book to read called Run Baby Run by Nicky Cruz. I started reading it and it affected me deeply. It is about a young gang leader in the Bronx who is eventually led to Christ. His journey touched me deeply. His feelings of anger, loneliness and isolation even around people spoke to me. During the part of the book where he becomes a Christian and breaks down weeping I did the same, which freaked me out at the time as I didn't know why. I went to the church that Sunday and talked to the Pastor and the girl again. I was being told about a God who loved me unconditionally, who totally accepted me, died on a cross for my sins and who I could have a real living relationship with. He was standing at the door knocking, I only had to let him in.

So on 1st February 1989 I gave my life to Christ sitting in the office of the Pastor of the church.

I remember walking home afterwards. I felt light, like a weight had been lifted from me, cliched I know but true. I knew a love in my heart never before experienced. The unconditional love of the God of the Universe. He loved little old me! He was my Dad, my Lord and friend. I was no longer depressed like I was. I had hope for the first time in my life!

I wish I could say that everything was all fine after that but that is not the reality of being a Christian. I started to have to deal with issues of forgiveness and restoration associated with family and schooling. Not a quick and easy thing to do I have to say. The desire to hold on to our hurts is very strong but God has been gracious to me over the years in dealing with my heart and my attitude to people. It is a lifelong journey this Christianity. Learning about my identity as an adopted son of the Living God, releasing pain and anger over time, being healed. The consequences of my teenage years are still impacting my life even now as it all takes time but God is gracious and merciful in His dealings with His children. Thank you Lord for rescuing me from the slimy pit. (Psalm 40)!

And that folks is the story of God coming calling! Of God stepping into my life and saving a very lost soul. I have now been a Christian some 23 years. It is not always easy and sometimes it can be very hard. However my life has been forever changed. I know I can always fall back on the knowledge that God loves me unconditionally with a Love so incredible that I can never fully grasp it. That is where my security, significance and self worth come from. God is the most beautiful satisfying Treasure in the Universe and source of all pure Joy. In the most blessed times and the most terrible sorrowful times God is always the most glorious being in the Universe to me. Worthy of my love and worship whatever happens in my life.

Even if you cannot relate to anything I have shared please consider that you need your sins forgiven and that is only possible through a living personal relationship with the one true Lord Jesus Christ, who paid an unimaginable price to make a way for you to know God. God is knocking at the door of your life and I plead with you to open it (Revelation 3:20)

ps: No I never went out with the girl!

Out in the Desert but not Alone!

Well I thought I would dust off the cobwebs of this here blog and write something since it is a ridiculous amount of time since I last posted anything.

Just thought I would share briefly where I am at. Yes I know you probably don’t care but it is simply for the reason of sharing two songs that I find so helpful when I am spiritually as dry as a bone baking in the desert sun. Which I am right now! We all go through dry times at various points in our spiritual walk and I am certainly no exception. In fact for me it is more a rule than an exception. Sometimes I am there out of my own doing because I am lazy and sinful and often chose the easy worldly options to feel better than the Road Less travelled of spiritual discipline in prayer and meditation on the Bible. Sometimes life kicks you there unexpectedly and before long you are walking round in circles in the sand. Currently both of those are probably true. I got kicked here at the beginning of the year and have stayed there because of the aforementioned.

So what keeps me going in these parched and weary lands that I walk far too often. Firstly the grace of God. Simply if God did not keep me I would have walked away years ago. He sustains me somewhere deep down and stops me from walking away. Where else would I go? (John 6:66-69)

However I have two songs that I find bring me light in the darkness of the soul. First is the aptly titled ‘Desert Song’ by Hillsong. It is an honest statement of declaring praise to God in the midst of hunger and thirst and in spite of it. It reminds me not to rely on my feelings and to rest on the truth of who God is. Take my eyes of circumstances and lift them to the one who sustains all things.

Second song is ‘In Christ Alone’ by Stuart Townend. There is not a greater recent song that declares such deep biblical truth as this does. From beginning to end it encapsulates the Gospel of Jesus Christ so succinctly. For that reason alone it brings water to my soul and reminds me of the profound truth that I am saved by Grace Alone, through Faith Alone in Christ Alone! That is the rock upon which I stand knowing nothing I do can change that truth. How I feel does not change that truth. I cannot earn salvation so I need to flippin well stop acting like I can.

Anyway from one traveller to another I commend these songs to you. The Versions in the You Tube videos are by Natalie Grant simply because I like these versions best! Read the Words and listen to the songs and bathe in the eternal truths of scripture!

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

CHORUS

BRIDGE: All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

CHORUS

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow

 

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

 

‘Dr Who – The God Complex’ : We all Worship Something!!

This is not a review of the episode per se but some observations from it.

The recent episode of Dr Who was entitled ‘The God Complex’. This title was given to the Dr, by the Muslim character Rita, for taking charge and giving the impression that he could save everyone.

Premise

The basic premise of the episode being that there was this creature that looked like a Minotaur that was very old indeed, had previously set itself up as a God on other planets, they then ‘grew out of’ their need for Gods and built this prison ship for the creature and sent it off on its merry way. The creature and ship formed a sort of symbiosis whereupon the ship scoured the galaxy for people with very strong faith and pulled them aboard whereupon the creature fed upon the energy of their faith once it was suitably invoked. This was done by the people being placed in a holographic 80’s Hotel with many rooms, each of which contained some deep rooted fear for the individual causing them to fall back on their faith.

As an episode it was enjoyable and well done. Particularly David Walliams character who initially appeared as simply a cowardly amusing humanoid alien. Indeed the most invaded race in the Galaxy but actually turned out to be the most sinister, in that he would do anything to avoid being killed including betrayal.

The Tardis ended up there due to Amy’s total faith in the Doctor to save her.

Theme of Faith

 

‘everyone believes/puts their faith in something’

It is this theme of faith I wanted to comment on. According to the story it was people with a particularly strong faith in ‘something’ that resulted in them being taken. Whether it be a Muslims faith in God, a Gamblers faith in chance and luck or one persons faith in another, as per Amy in the Doctor. Interestingly the character of Rory was given the opportunity to leave as he apparently had no faith at all in anything (I disagree but I will come back to that).

What I found interesting is the observation that even in these times when ‘religious faith’ is seen to be on the wane, many people still believe in something. Dr Who confidential had an interview with the writer Toby Whithouse where he explained in more detail his thinking.

However I believe this should more accurately be stated ‘everyone believes/puts their faith in something’. I believe it to be a universal constant that every human being firstly has faith and secondly puts that faith in something, someone or several different somethings or someones (sorry about the poor english there!).

Put another way every human being gives themselves to the worship/idolisation of something or someone or to the aforementioned somethings or someones. But wait a minute, aren’t ‘Worship or Idolisation’ strong words to use. Yes they are very strong actively ‘doing’ words. They are not passive words at all and this is my point.

Let us define worship as ‘giving of oneself to’, ‘pouring oneself out to’ or ‘looking to XXXXX’ in order to provide meaning, security, worth to that person. The thing that when taken away would prove devastating to the person and is the thing that a person would most fight for if it was threatened.

The Drive to Worship

We all do it! It is a universal human desire to find security, meaning and worth for ourselves. This can be directed towards so many different things in this world and our culture is built around providing these things for us to feed on to satisfy those desires. Whether it be the ultimate relationship, sex, money, power, status, shopping, comfort, then next shiny toy, promotions, pride in ones house, pornography, drugs, alcohol to name a tiny fraction. All of these, some good, some not, serve the same purpose. Their purpose is to fill that aching desire in each of us. That ache that sais “surely there is something that can fill this emptiness inside me!” The ache for something lost or missing. The ache that no matter where we try and look is never satisfied and fulfilled. Sure we can pretend that our comfy well kitted out house, our job and family is all we need to be satisfied. This pretention can go on for years but if we are honest the ache is still there. It is NEVER satisfied and is what drives us.

It drives the alcoholic to keep drinking, the compulsive shopper to keep looking for the next thing to provide that purchase quick high, the adulterer, the promiscuous casual sex, the co-dependent and on and on it goes.

All these things are designed to either satisfy that deep rooted ache or to numb the pain of it not being satisfied.

Misdirected Worship is Idolatry

So if all these things cannot possibly fulfil this deep rooted ache then who or what can? Well I am glad you asked!

We were designed and created by God to worship Him alone. It is the first of the ten commandments in the Bible paraphrased as ‘you shall have no other Gods but The Lord and you shall worship Him alone’.

God designed us to depend entirely on him. He is the only one who can satisfy the deep ache and longing in our heart that each and every one of us has. Only in personal, intimate relationship with Him can satisfaction be found and our deep longing for Security, meaning and worth be found. Only in the Worship of our Creator God can we find all our thirsts met. It is what we were primarily created for, as worshippers.

When mankind first sinned the sin was pride and idolatry. It took God from His rightful place and raised us up equal with Him. The devil deceived our first parents with the lie of autonomy. The lie that says we don’t need God! It is the same lie that the world shouts at us today with all its myriad of pleasures and temptations. All designed to draw us away from faith and Worship of the only one worthy of it. All designed to provide a counterfeit. The Bible calls this Idolatry! Any time we worship, give ourselves over to, something that is not God it is worship in the form of idolatry.

‘The Human heart is an idol factory"’ – Martin Luther

Idolatry is the most serious sin in the Bible. It is an act of Cosmic treason against the creator. It is something every human does completely naturally and is all that is needed to justly condemn us, dead in our sins, for eternity before our Holy creator God. Praise God in His Grace and Mercy He provides for us a way out. Through Jesus Christ we can know forgiveness for our sinful predilection to idolatry. We can be declared righteous before God through Jesus and be given new life and hope for eternity. A life that can know that deep longing and ache satisfied when we quench our thirst in the living water of worship of our awesome creator.

I dare you to have faith in the only one who can satisfy!

A Review of the audio book ‘Churched’ by Matthew Paul Turner

I first became aware of the writer Matthew Paul Turner (MPT from now on) when someone I follow on Twitter re-Tweeted one of his tweets. I was curious to read more about him, not because I agreed with what he said, quite the opposite in fact. I don’t remember exactly what the comments said but I seem to remember it was making fun of either Reformed Theology or possibly John Piper. Anyway it was enough to peek my curiosity so I started to follow him on twitter and read some of his Blog 'Jesus Needs New PR' (The blog title may give you a hint of his agenda).

It wasn't long before I stopped reading his blog and some time later I stopped following him on Twitter. The reasons will become clearer.

Any way a few months ago Christian Audio gave away his book ‘Churched’ as their free monthly download. So, since it was free, I downloaded it to see if I could try and understand where MPT was coming from. The book has the following description:

He spent his childhood trapped within the confines of countless bizarre, strict rules. And lived to tell about it.

In this first-hand account, author Matthew Paul Turner shares amusing–sometimes cringe-worthy–and poignant stories about growing up in a fundamentalist household, where even well-intentioned contemporary Christian music was proclaimed to be “of the devil.”

churched is a collection of stories that detail an American boy’s experiences growing up in a culture where men weren’t allowed let their hair grow to touch their ears (“an abomination!”), women wouldn’t have been caught dead in a pair of pants (unless swimming), and the pastor couldn’t preach a sermon without a healthy dose of hellfire and brimstone. Matthew grapples with the absurdity of a Sunday School Barbie burning, the passionate annual boxing match between the pastor and Satan, and the holiness of being baptized a fifth time–while growing into a young man who, amidst the chaotic mess of religion, falls in love with Jesus. (Cited from amazon.co.uk)

The Audio Book version that I listened to was read by MPT himself which I guess added to the experience as His reading of his own book clearly added extra weight and humour to the words.

Several things struck me after I had finished listening to the book:

Firstly I have no experience first hand of that kind of Fundamentalism. The only thing that comes close was an evening when my first church invited some man to talk about secular music to the youth group. I was about 18 at the time. He was a nutter quite frankly and saw the devil in everything. I quickly learnt to filter out that kind of nonsense.

I have heard about that kind of US fundamentalism and have read the odd article from people with that kind of viewpoint. Not growing up in a Christian home I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a child in a grace filled Christian home let alone one so rigidly moralistic and graceless.

There are some areas of UK Christianity that are very moralistic in nature but I have not personally come across that level of Fundamentalism, described by MPT, in my 22 years as a Christian believer. There were some friends at university that came from a fairly moralistic, Baptist upbringing and struggled to cope living outside of that bubble. With some predictable results of going off the rails a little.

Secondly, although I do not in any way doubt the sincerity in which the book was written, I struggle to accept that much of what was written has not been embellished by MPT’s adult self. I struggle to remember conversations that happened last week let alone detailed conversations I had as a child. Since this book is a series of narratives of various stages of MPT’s growing up it is full of these conversations.

We all filter and interpret our memories through the life lenses we are currently wearing. That is not to accuse MPT of lying or making stuff up. However he has clearly been deeply affected by growing up in such a strict environment and many of the subtle points he is making come through narratives that are time wise his childhood but message wise most certainly his adult self.

Thirdly it can only be by the Grace of God that he is even a believer today. Some of the incidents described are literally ‘you could not make this stuff up’ stories. Enough to crush and stifle the life and soul out of any person.

However, back to the reason I could no longer stomach reading his blog or following him on Twitter. It is fully understandable to be angry and frustrated with the Fundamentalism in which he grew up. Who wouldn’t be? But much of his twitter stream and blogging is filled with poking fun at and maligning anyone who could be broadly categorised as Reformed or Calvinist. Particular targets are the likes of John Piper and Mark Driscoll (which is odd as the fundamentalism that MPT experienced, Driscoll pokes fun at all the time). That is not of course to say that they are above criticism as no one of course is. However Piper, Driscoll and the pastors, teachers and groups they are associated with are as far from MPT’s fundamental experience as you can get. Their whole message is ‘Grace’ which of course is anathema to moralistic fundamentalism.

What saddened and yes annoyed me most was the comments that others made on his blog. Now Calvinists have a reputation for being harsh, but I have never read more angry, insulting and blatantly Un-Christian views than I read from people on his blog comments against anyone in the Reformed camp.

I use twitter and read blogs for one main reason, to learn more about and grow in my Christian faith from gifted and wise teachers and writers. If I find the blogs of the people I follow on twitter no longer serve that purpose or in fact have a negative affect on that purpose I no longer give them my attention or time. Different views on theological issues are welcome, but when those views are nothing more than childish digs why waste time with them.

MPT if a gifted writer and communicator. Sadly however his childhood experience has so blinded him that he seems to now lump anyone who he does not agree with and is on the more conservative side into one category, Fundamental.

No MPT, Jesus does not need new PR, that is a very arrogant. The Church is Jesus’ body on earth despite itself. What everyone needs is to know, understand accept and experience is the unconditional Grace which he freely offers to all. That is the message of true Reformed theology which you seem to so dislike!

Do not Quench the Spirit

We are currently working through 1 Corinthians in our Sunday Sermon series at church and last Sunday we hit 1 Corinthians 12:10-11. You can listen HERE.

10 to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. 11 All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

The focus was working miracles and distinguishing between spirits and then on v11. Prophecy and tongues etc will be dealt with in a different sermon later in the series. We also had a lively debate, last night, in our small group. This is not uncommon when the spiritual gifts are being discussed.
(Please note the dove picture representing the Holy Spirit is posted slightly tongue in cheek)

Where do I stand on Spiritual Gifts?

For the record I will lay out where I stand on what are often called ‘The Charismatic Gifts’. That is the supernatural gifts given in scripture by The Holy Spirit:

• I believe the gifts of the spirit are for today and did not cease at the end of the Apostolic age. Therefore I am NOT a Cessasionist at all. The best term to use would be ‘Reformed Charismatic’.
• I believe God can and indeed does heal people today and know people who have been miraculously healed.
• I believe in prophecy (as in words of knowledge from God about others as well as words from God including pictures etc.. Also words for specific people or the church that are from God about what God wants to do in the future. By way of some examples) I have operated in these gifts myself. NB: With the Caveat the prophecy is always subject to Scripture and is in NO way equivalent to it!
• I believe speaking in tongues is valid, as is interpretation of tongues. I however do not speak in tongues myself.
• There are many other gifts mentioned in scripture and I do not have any issues with them being a normal part of the Christian life and experience.
• The greatest spiritual gift is the gift of Regeneration of the unbeliever to being a believer. The creation of a new Christian life. The must surely be the greatest miracle of them all!

I became a Christian at 18 and have always attended churches where the spiritual gifts were practiced. It has always been part of my Christian experience. I was witness first hand to what became known as ‘The Toronto Blessing’ (look it up). I have seen some pretty whacky stuff over the years it has to be said.
With that being said why did I find Sundays sermon challenging? I’ll come on to that!
On one hand we have the above on the other, I am a self confessed cynic . I very rarely just accept what people tell me without question. If people claim to have been healed I want proof. Very often one must just accept the word of the person and trust their integrity. However I do sometimes wonder why God does not heal more obvious problems rather than the obligatory back ache, arm ache, head ache’s etc… All those are great and fantastic to be healed from. I suffer back problems and would love to not have to worry about it recurring again. We do have testimonies of more obvious physical symptoms being healed. Like legs growing, backs straightening, the deaf hearing. Those I get more excited over as they baffle doctors and are clear undeniable miracles. In my previous Church in Crawley there was a wheelchair bound lady with ME and other disabilities, dependant on medical and financial help, who had been in her chair for years. One night she was healed and to this day I believe is now walking about. A walking talking miracle!
So I am constantly in this tension between cynic vs believer. It is certainly not a helpful place to be and is often lack of faith or just plain unbelief on my part.



I certainly have issues with some of the more wacky things people are claiming and much of this comes from Bethel mania among others, see below. Gold dust and Angel feathers for example just say to me distraction from God rather than glorifying God which ultimately all spiritual gifts must do. I know the bible does not list in exhaustive detail all spiritual gifts or miracles but I find such things unhelpful.
So what was so challenging in Sundays message? The following passage was cited:

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies, 21 but test everything; hold fast what is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5:16–22 (ESV)

Now v21 is often used as a defence against some of the more out there spiritual manifestations and rightly so. However preceding it is v19. We are often in danger of quenching the spirit when we throw out everything, if we detect even one thing that may set off our alarm bells. I find this is exactly what I do. As soon as I detect the slightest hint of theology that I would consider ‘off’ then I switch off.
My biggest example of this is in the case of Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding California. Now there seems to be little doubt that God is moving spiritually in that church in some amazing and miraculous ways. The long list of testimonies of healing is amazing. However I cannot listen to Bill Johnson preach. I have tried and cannot get through an entire ‘sermon’ of his without being very annoyed by it. I certainly have theological differences with him and with his use of scripture and these create a huge barrier. Yet God is using him in ways that are undeniably amazing.

Main two Tension Points!

What I massively struggle with is the tension between the fully realised Kingdom of God in the new creation of Jesus return and the now, cursed fallen world that God’s kingdom breaks into occasionally. The already and not yet of the Kingdom. How much can we expect of the miraculous in this age?
The other is the line between how much a part faith plays vs the absolute sovereignty of God. V11 of 1 Corinthians 12 says:

All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

The spirit decides who gets what, when, where and how much.

Conclusion

So on the one hand we MUST ‘test everything’ as I believe there is much counterfeit faux spirituality out there within the Christian church. One example of which I heard recently was an event where the preacher/teacher didn’t once open his bible and it was all about the ‘experience’. Run away, run a mile and don’t look back at that sort of thing. If Gods word is not taught and supporting what is experienced or lip sevice is paid to the word then at least question what you are seeing. Be a Berean (Acts 17:10-11)!
Yet on the other hand we must NOT let our own prejudices and fears of the supernatural ‘quench’ what God is doing even through people I may disagree with theologically. I need to be open to God using me for the miraculous. I need more faith to be honest as I struggle to believe supernatural things will happen when I pray. My struggle with the tension points mentioned above often causes me to choose safe faith over stepping out and taking risks. I must learn to be humble realising how little I understand and trust God always that whatever happens He is Sovereign and works all things together for Good (Romans 8:28).

The Fathers Cup – A Crucifixion Narrative

Just before Good Friday this year I saw John Piper link to This MP3 by Rick Gamache. It is a narrative of the biblical events of the Thursday evening and Friday leading up to and including Christ’s crucifixion.

This narrative utterly floored me and brought alive the agony and suffering of Jesus like nothing else since seeing ‘The Passion of the Christ’ film.

It is a very graphic portrayal of the physical suffering that Jesus went through from weeping tears of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane to His death on the cross. It is not easy to listen to in any way. If you have seen Mel Gibson's film you will certainly have had a similar experience with seeing in all its gory detail this same representation of our Lord’s suffering.

However what I have previously failed to entirely, if at all, grasp was what the full meaning of ‘drinking the Father’s Cup’ meant for Jesus.

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. (Luke 22:42-44)

So what had caused Jesus such anxiety as to sweat drops of blood? Certainly He new the physical suffering he was to face. However I think the greater stress was caused by peering in to ‘the Cup’. I think I had always assumed the Cup was the horrendous physical suffering of the cross itself. No, the Cup was much more than that.

The narrative brings in to focus the cost to Jesus himself of the subsitutionary atoning side of what He did on Calvary. I had never before thought about it how this narrative describes it.

2 Corinthians 5:21 says: ‘For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God’. Never had I realised what this really meant for Jesus. Of course this is only a tiny speck, a splinter compared to what it really meant.

The Son of God, the Perfect spotless lamb, Holy, Righteous and sinless becomes Sin. For those hours He hung there every sin of those whom are His became part of Jesus. He became the filthy, dirty, abominable evil that sin is. Not only that God the Father looked upon Jesus, His beloved Son and poured out His full, complete and terrible, judgement and Wrath against sin upon Him until it was fully spent. For that time the eternal relationship between Father and Son was broken and the Father turned from Jesus in disgust at the sin upon Him. That was the Cup that Jesus drank for the sake of His Glory and our Salvation.

Read the words of that narrative, weep, repent, rejoice and worship at what Jesus did for us. (The PDF can be found HERE)

Then Jesus is startled by a foul odour. It isn't the stench of open wounds. It’s something else. And it crawls inside him. He looks up to his Father. His Father looks back, but Jesus doesn't recognize these eyes. They pierce the invisible world with fire and darken the visible sky. And Jesus feels dirty. He hangs between earth and heaven filthy with human discharge on the outside and, now, filthy with human wickedness on the inside.

The Father speaks: “Son of Man! Why have you sinned against me and heaped scorn on my great glory? You are self-sufficient and self-righteous—consumed with yourself and puffed up and selfishly ambitious. You rob me of my glory and worship what’s inside of you instead of looking out to the One who created you. You are a greedy, lazy, gluttonous slanderer and gossip. You are a lying, conceited, ungrateful, cruel adulterer. You practice sexual immorality; you make pornography, and fill you mind with vulgarity. You exchange my truth for a lie and worship the creature instead of the Creator. And so you are given up to your homosexual passions, dressing immodestly, and lusting after what is forbidden. With all your heart you love perverse pleasure. You hate your brother and murder him with the bullets of anger fired from your own heart. You kill babies for your convenience. You oppress the poor and deal slaves and ignore the needy. You persecute my people. You love money and prestige and honour. You put on a cloak of outward piety, but inside you are filled with dead men’s bones—you hypocrite! You are lukewarm and easily enticed by the world. You covet and can’t have so you murder. You are filled with envy and rage and bitterness and un-forgiveness. You blame others for your sin and are too proud to even call it sin. You are never slow to speak. And you have a razor tongue that lashes and cuts with its criticism and sinful judgment. Your words do not impart grace. Instead your mouth is a fountain of condemnation and guilt and obscene talk. You are a false prophet leading people astray. You mock your parents. You have no self-control. You are a betrayer who stirs up division and factions. You’re a drunkard and a thief. You’re an anxious coward. You do not trust me. You blaspheme against me. You are an un-submissive wife. And you are a lazy, disengaged husband. You file for divorce and crush the parable of my love for the church. You’re a pimp and a drug dealer. You practice divination and worship demons. The list of your sins goes on and on and on and on. And I hate these things inside of you. I’m filled with disgust, and indignation for your sin consumes me. Now, drink my cup!

And Jesus does. He drinks for hours. He downs every drop of the scalding liquid of God’s own hatred of sin mingled with his white-hot wrath against that sin. This is the Father’s cup: omnipotent hatred and anger for the sins of every generation past, present, and future—omnipotent wrath directed at one naked man hanging on a cross. The Father can no longer look at his beloved Son, his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself. He looks away.

Jesus pushes himself upward and howls to heaven, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Silence. Separation.

Jesus whispers, “I’m thirsty,” and he sags.

The merciful centurion soaks a sponge in sour wine and lifts in on a reed to Jesus’ lips. And the sour wine is the sweetest drink he ever tasted.

Jesus pushes himself up again and cries, “It is finished.” And it is. Every sin of every child of God has been laid on Jesus and he drank the cup of God’s wrath dry.